you

when yesterday i saw your face in dim light ..that untied hair .. that small bindi on your forhead .. you looked like a painting for me..
everything about you has a fragrance to it..

Home

Coming back home has always been nice..it always made me into that little old
funny, ambitious ,overly romantic, insecure teenager again. I always loved that fact about coming back home.
U get to see those old roads where you walked with your friends. Old cricket ground where you always wanted to hit a sixer but you never did. the same old coffee shop where you and your friends used to sit and bring up this very unrealistic dream of becoming most wanted rich and successful businessmen in our town...but its kinda funny to see what life has brought us now.
I think universe is conspiring..and i am waiting for it ..:)

Ik tara

I wanted to write..I’ve been thinking and longing to do this from many months. I am not dead am very much alive and this thought made me write at last. after having a night drive in nice road and a dinner @ ramnagara when i comeback home i felt good. we had a can beer, cooled down the excitement for a bit . i saw some movies by the time i realized it was morning 7.Opened the door went out and saw the morning light with a satisfaction. Standing there on my balcony thoughts came pouring into mind.
I never got time to think on my own after coming to bangalore, this is a fast paced city and i was enjoying my time here with some long lost friends. Good night outs couple of beer some nice music, late evening movies, things were moving fast.. feel much younger now. when you have lot of time on your own you feel very old. and thoughts will make you crawl and feel like everything is bullshit. but now...now its better i don’t have the vicinity of open space ,clear sky and silence instead every day morning i hear autos roaring and all motor vehicles sounds...but i feel good.
Is this what i wanted..i don’t know but the moments that i have i really feel good about it. Today was complete off day..no phone calls no internet i laid down on my couch like a lazy kid. in background the song 'Ik tara' was going on..its a really nice song..hmm..i am laughing at myself now.
Things that really matter is to enjoy your silence..even when you know that silence is much deeper. I go back and forth in time but what i am left with is just some feel good factors and some bitter truths. but never mind ...life has its own way of handling things for you..i know when the next summer rain comes my fears will be washed away. Cool breeze was coming through the window now..i went and closed it and came back and sat on my bed ..Now i know things that really matter is to enjoy your silence..even when you know that silence is the only way..i hope to end this night somehow ..
"Kaise main chaloon
Dekh na sakoon
Anjaane raaste"
"Ik atara" song was still playing on my laptop...

Gulmohar

its an expectation..an expectation which sketches a girl who is waiting under a Gulmohar tree without knowing change in season.

A mid summer night dream..

It was in some book i guess..that each place has its own smell..
while you were traveling you can still feel the place..same way each
memory of yours has a fragrance of its own..

I was driving on a long highway when it rained yesterday..thunder striking..
heavy rain and wind...i had no option other than to drive ..
after reaching home i was watching the rain by standing outside my room..
it was cold wet..some wet memories came through my mind..
my cigarette was burning in my hand as if it wanted to die early..

When i woke up it was late ..started rushing to office as usual...
when i stepped out i saw it was a bright sunny morning..
you know the sun light makes your mind brighten..it brings in so much of energy..
and keeping my IPod on i started driving ..it feels so great to be alive...
because you feel alive …and at this point of time that’s what matters..

"To feel alive.."

Summer rain..and a cup of coffe..

I think i don’t like summer..I didn’t feel like I was living all these time.
And so sudden it rained today..It’s chill out. I went out for a ride in ring road during lunch time..
It was cool. This is the weather I wanted..If loved it..This rain brought back so many memories..
Old days, memories ..everything...i loved the feel of those..Now sitting in my place if am listening to
"She will be loved"..I want to keep my iPod on and drive a long long way..

"I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved..."

Last cigarette..

I was thinking about you...you don’t exist which brightens my excitement.
I keep thinking about you..Your face...your hair...your eyes...the way you dress...
..The way you talk...the look of yours when it rains...
How you fight with me...how you get excited when you listen to an old Hindi song...
The way you hum "raina barse rim jim rim jim"..
I keep imagining all these..
I keep drawing your image in my mind..
You are like a cigarette which burns but no smoke..I inhale everything..I want to..
..Yes I can see you smiling now..Hair is not tied I can see your ear ring..It excites me...
Its fading now...like a cigarette which burns but no smoke..
Because I inhale the feel of you till dawn..

wish

I wana go down and touch the feet ..where the streets have no name..

Last christmas i gave away my heart..!!

27-Dec-2009-7:40 PM

One drop of water fell on my face..i woke up from my sleep. Tried to look outside the window it was raining heavily.
i was afraid to open the side windows i knew it will make me wet. But it was a beautiful sight. Rain in December i was smiling. Rain makes me weak it brings fears to my senses. I usually avoid these thoughts but i cant escape it.I closed my eyes thought about last two days. It was great. The best Christmas ever.

24-Dec-2009 12.30 PM

I hate my profession sometimes. The end moment only issues will pile up. I need to catch 2 'O' clock bus but still am sitting over this shit. i was trying to make ways to escape.
Some how i escaped from work and was running towards bus stand. Got the bust looked @ my watch its 2.30 PM.
From morning i did't have any food but my hunger was just to reach cochin, it kept my excitement fresh.
Met my frnds @ MTDY then we started the journey .
This bus we were traveling was an ordinary one ,my friend who just landed from Australia was scolding Indian transportation system and the roads. People just come once in two years from abroad and scold system and go, i was smiling did't look at his face.
I enjoy journeys no matter in whatever format it is..ordinary bus or luxury coach i just need to keep moving i should be under constant motion.
by the time we reached calicut it was 9.45 PM ."So fckin hot man" i screamed. I knew i need a bottle of beer .

Mariya BAR Calicut 10.00 PM

We three were sitting now i know how a bottle of beer makes us feel when it is too hot and humid. I felt like m drinking a Godly drink.
beer made my senses cool. we started talking about several things but one thing still kept me awake, one thing to meet him @ cochin i wanted to go there as soon as possible.

25-Dec-2009 Eranakulam bus stand 4.30 AM

I saw his black swift suddenly .That ass stopped car in front of us and screamed.."Macha get in.."
His flat is in a really good apartment i liked the way it has been constructed.
but its a new one so there are less people staying.
"Lets go to the top floor you can see the water front..and view of cochin from there" my friend said.
I was excited. Even after 13 hours of tiring journey my pulse just kept beating heavy.
It was such a nice view from top floor. 5.00 AM in the morning lazy cochin was half a sleep.
we stood there for some time. Joking ,remembering our school days it was really like a get together after some long years.
@ 7.00 AM we decided to make some breakfast for our self i decided to help Thara.
it was fun to make our own breakfast .
After that we decided to go out
Fort cochin has a feeling to itself. Portuguese leftovers the buildings and roads had a different flavor.
i met some skimpy dressed foreigners ,some localities who had tattoos all around smoking cigars.
Whether was also nice not so hot we started walking through the streets.
Arjun showed me some trees and said its called as rain trees brought from Brazil.
These trees where decorating both sides of road. i loved the way they stood.
But the most exciting wonder was a one huge tree which they made as Christmas tree.
It was stunning.
I thought i need a house somewhere near to this street but then come back to the reality.
The KTDC beer parlor was so beautiful.
u can see a swimming pool from the place you sit .next to it was sea. u cannot even imagine the beauty of that sight.
i just relaxed on my couch looking at sea i was having my beer.
i have scene many people seeking happiness.
i wanted to getup and scream to the world
Happiness? yes this is happiness it is always in "This".
we search and hope for happiness in future but forget to look @ "This".
it will always be 'now' it is never there in future don’t waste your time.
i closed my eyes again smiling inside.
evening we went to a beautiful lounge pub. Ambiance was so great.
dim lights and candles on each tables makes the place so romantic.
but what a Royal stag like me will do being romantic alone?...hmm..
I left that question to myself and started enjoying my cocktail "Long island."
we ended the night with a tequila shot.
12.00 AM roads where almost empty.
i opened the window of my car. cold wind hit on my face.
feels gud..now i had a blast..
"Thank you santa you reminded me the importance of NOW because people are more worried about tomorrow."
Pursuit of happiness?..it ends in "Now".

27-Dec-2009-8:00 PM

I opened the door ..it was still raining outside....heavily ..let it rain and wash away the fears!!

Us

Silence has grown deeper!!
It’s like a hair covered face..It’s vague.
I feel like I am hearing your voice from so far away!!..
Yes there is a long dark way of silence between us.

Violet hill--- Coldplay

Bury me in honor
When I'm dead and hit the ground
A love back home unfolds

If you love me
Won't you let me know?

I don't want to be a soldier
With the captain of some sinking ship
With snow far below

So if you love me
Why'd you let me go?

I took my love down to violet hill
There we sat in snow
All that time she was silent still

So if you love me
Won't you let me know?

If you love me,
Won't you let me know?

3 days One destination..."Screw it Lets ride.."

"Its not the destination its the journey which matters..!!"

My window curtain

A sudden thought..My eyes went away from monitor..I was looking outside through window.
Till last week my window curtain was closed nobody opened it here..And I don’t know what made me do it.
But some days back when I came in the morning and opened the curtains..Morning light was flashing on me..It brought some kind of Happiness. Now every day morning I get sunlight..I am happy.
I was looking outside..I can see those two trees moving in the wind..A good sight. Only in Mysore
You can see this view. Not concrete jungle..
I always think why I am writing about some unusual, sad things..But maybe those are just emotions which are making me write.
You can call it as Inspirations.
I am really mad .I looked back in monitor. I think I should open the window now. May be what I need is some fresh air.

An ambitious love letter..

People are so strange..What do they think..?What do they believe..?
I have no idea. Do you think that you understand someone perfectly? If so then you are mistaken my friend.
What’s it that we need to understand? Is there a particular thought which everyone process? Black magic stuff.
I wander around to find this meaning again..People I meet, things I share all becomes a burden sometimes later.
Who is it that you can rely on anytime..?..Is there a soul mate (this isn’t about a soul mate .I know I may sound
Like Richard back.)..No that’s not the worry..Or is there any need to get worried about it?

Everyone tend to pour their insecurities, their worries on to someone whom they trust..That’s what all humans do.
some don’t share it because they are too much worried about the world. Some do that because they want to get rid of it.
But you should not share your insecurities or worries to anyone..That is yours..Only you are the master of it..And
Only you can command it. When you forget that you are the master then is the real worry! You are upset..you don’t get
sleep at night,u shiver,you cry,you make yourself shit!!..And by the time you realize and try to come back to life.
It’s so late dude!!..

This is't about coming back to life because I know I have lost it..I am no more in search of light at end of the tunnel.
the one who made me believe, the one who made me feel hmm!!...It killed the thirst of mine with a shining
Metal sword. It pierced my thought for a snow white dream!!..I was lyin on the floor without head.
And you won the battle.
For what is it?..And for what I am fighting for now?..To understand the people around..Like I care about it.
I get up in the morning thinking how to end it...and as always..To satisfy myself..And to make me believe that I am
Alive I say this again and again to myself
"I live for the day
I live like a fire fly
I cry for light and die in the night
It’s the heat from the light which I long for , And die with
And I live for the day
I live like fire fly.
With a dream to touch the light..But I perish!!"

The river and the thirst..it’s all fake!!

Oh!! I reached home..slowly i parked the bike inside and started climbing the stairs..
what should i expect when i open my room..?..
i opened the lock went inside..switched on the lights.
Bright..
its all bright now.
what else you want now?..you had your dinner..u finished a day with gud ,bad nd ugly experiences..
you settled things..now what else you want?..let me see i switched on the TV..now nice....
i can watch some movies..or may be some music channels..no no!! i can read something..
no way man. you don’t wana do this..what is that you want to see now?..feel..
oh you don’t wana look at your mobile now..shit man you can call any friend..?..nope
that’s not the thing that you wana do..i went to the terrace..a calm night moon is also shining..
i looked above..smiling..i felt happy..why?..because the moon was shining ..no way!!..
may be you don’t wana miss a missing feel..what’s that you miss?..nothing..i smiled at myself..
my biggest worry is why is that i don’t have that missing feeling..why..?
is there something wrong with you?
may be..may not be..but..in case if tomorrow comes...i have to travel again..to settle things..
to reduce the baggage of yesterday..i need to work more..i need to pretend more..
yes..let me see..
let me just wait for tomorrow..
If it comes..
PS : fc you for making me like this..a walking thought which carries yesterdays only.

Summer rain..

"A cloudy Sunday..i was not in a mood to get ready but still i wanted to go to church..once it starts raining in Pune
Only God can save us..Joe was ready to come so i got ready. From my system Bono was singing

"On rainy days, swimming in the sound
On rainy days, we'd go swimming out
You're in my mind all of the time
I know that's not enough
If the sky can crack, there must be some way back
For love and only love
Electrical Storm ".....


it actually got into the mood of cloudy sky,lazy mind.
We started riding the bike..highways are too risky but i liked it..i was completely wet.
Rain drops are falling on me ..but i imagined it as cleansing..Cleansing my mind.
There is always a weight..it sits right there at the centre...how to get ride of that dont know..and again i enjoyed the rain.
There was an independent church on highway..standing alone. We stopped the bike and ran into the church..
with my wet hands i lighted the candle and i prayed..long conversation with God..asking why things go wrong with me..telling him to do something for me..shit man i do this every time. then i turned back..while driving back to hostel i had a feeling ....no a hope that things will be fine for me..i was wet i was swimming in my hope.."

some annoying noise from outside the Bus woke me up from my dream..i looked at my watch it was 2 AM..i was smiling at myself.
why did i think about something which has happened 4 years back? a rainy Sunday ..a ride to church..may be..that’s
what i did always..but i did pray for them..she never knew about this..how many candles I have lighted..
candle light is not enough to clear the darkness sometimes..it need much bigger miracle to clear it..
no cleanse it..cleansing my mind..Days are getting tougher i hide my helplessness in a smile.
May be candle light is not enough to clear the darkness..
Again i started my conversation with God!!..hey your are the only one i can speak my mind now..smile at me Boss!!..

Things we lost in fire..

Its nothing …I look at my mobile as if I need to take its heart out and blast it.

I stared at the incoming call but couldn’t do anything. a feel of nothing that’s what’s been surrounding me for some time . I am the same person .hmm but no..i feel strange now. I feel myself as a stranger. I am not the same old one who used to think about your confused eyes.

I know you are living your own life and I am living mine…there is no intersection and there cant be. I am an unsatisfied traveler..my mind long everyday to wander around..travel without any reason take the diversion which u have never taken..climb the rock which you have never scene. will that give me satisfaction? No I don’t know..i think I am leaving you here right here on the same spot where we met. The same spot where you taught me how can anyone be so freak..living their own life..and when I put full stop to this sentence ..i think..its the end..

”Everything that has a beginning has an end”.

A summer morning thought

You are like a smile. its abstract...
The beauty with abstract things are you never worry about the complexity of it..
You enjoy the feel of it..

"Surreal but nice..."

A swollen left leg and Love

I hate to talk about my helplessness.
It eats me up when i feel about it,i hate it to the core.
who likes the fact of being surrounded by your own disabilities..
now this is going to be so fcn negative talk which comes from my mind..
i want to be free of my fears..hug my affirmations...
what’s living?..a swollen leg on your CPU and doing your job?
or roaming as a free soul?..what defines living?..
i found the answer its you .
Iits Love ..that’s what defines life..
Love which makes you feel good about someone who sits miles away and cleaning her house.
Love which makes you worry about someone who didn’t come online as usual.
Love which makes you sad when you celebrate your birthday alone without them.
Love which makes you jump when your friend calls you and says macha lets go for a drive.
Love which makes you carry a gas cylinder to a three story building limping; just to help your friend.
Love which makes you the happiest person on this earth ..when all of your friends sit together and you crack the most disastrous joke in the world and they beat you up.
i dont wana sing "Love is all around"..
but it is..
and love towards swollen left leg of mine..cheers!!

Acceleration..

While riding back to mysore i kept saying this words to myself..i did't care about the speed of the bike
only these words circled inside..."Its not the places its the people that makes the difference".
and i always had a dream of going for a long drive on road like this..with tall trees on both sides..and now when i do this
I was thinking how beautiful life is...
I felt like we are living our life..
I was feeling bad when I came out of the marriage cos i have to leave urgently.but this ride comforts me.
and the people who matters..I loved the way things are happening..this year i felt like God was making plans for me..
Each and every blind thoughts of mine or dreams of mine is coming to reality..no its just happening for me..Things Just happens..First time in my life.
Acceleration..Its going beyond 100...